Kakuzu's Cruellest Prank
by Madiella
Summary: After Hidan raids Kakuzu's money safe, Kakuzu decides it's payback time. And what better than to take aim at one of Hidan's greatest loves? Hidan/Deidara, OOC, slight AU, Rated T for swearing and slightly suggestive themes.


So, this is my first Naruto fanfiction, and I have decided to write a HiDei oneshot!

Rated T for Hidan's potty mouth, slash, OOC, slight AU, some anachronisms, etc.

Dedicated to the wonderful Jashinkyome...who is responsible for dragging me into this fandom and this pairing in the first place! Also, please check out her own wonderful HiDei fanfiction, Behind the Closed Eyes. It is very touching.

* * *

Hidan had gone too far.

Kakuzu gnashed his teeth, as he stared into the contents of his money safe. This money safe had six locks, two deadlocks, a combination code that only he knew and changed daily, chains, sealed metal around the edges of the box, and still, _Hidan had somehow managed to break the fuck in_!

Inside, all that remained of Kakuzu's precious money, were receipts, wrappers for junk food, empty hair conditioner bottles, and other various shit that Hidan liked. Oh, and to add insult to injury, it was also covered in blood stains.

He'd gone too far, and it was high time that Kakuzu punished him. Unfortunately, he couldn't kill Hidan, but he could at least make him hurt. Physically, and mentally. He would make him hurt the way Kakuzu was hurting looking into his empty money safe.

He picked up one of the empty bottles of conditioner. It was the one that both Hidan and the Akatsuki's resident Barbie doll, Deidara, liked to use. The way Hidan salivated over him made Kakuzu sick. And the way Deidara salivated over Hidan in return, also made Kakuzu sick. Seriously, what was there to love about Hidan?

Kakuzu pulled out the receipts, to see where his money had gone. Ugh, these were all for fancy restaurants, expensive clothes, art supplies, hair products. Kakuzu knew that Hidan could hardly have needed or wanted all of this stuff, so this had to be part of a prank to piss him off.

 _'_ _I will make him pay,'_ Kakuzu raged.

He could burn Hidan's Jashin books, or steal his pendent and sell it for silver, but he'd threatened to do it so often he doubted Hidan would be surprised. Besides, Hidan probably had a whole other spare stash that Kakuzu didn't know about just in case of such an attack.

No, it had to be something major.

Kakuzu stamped through the Akatsuki base. Tobi was prancing around with a feather duster, being a 'good boy' and cleaning, Sasori was reading, Zetsu was watching Tobi warily, Itachi was hiding in his room, Kisame was relaxing on the sofa and watching tv, and Pain and Konan were signing papers at the table.

Kakuzu sat down opposite Kisame, facing out the window. He glanced around at his teammates. Should he mention the missing money? It was his personal stash, so it didn't affect the other Akatsuki members, but all the same, one of them might know, or at least take his side and help him punish Hidan.

"Katsu!" shrieked a voice outside.

 _Blondie_ , Kakuzu realised. He heard Hidan laugh, and looked out the window. Hidan had his arm around Deidara's waist as Deidara let explosives off.

"How much clay do you think he's wasting? That stuff's not cheap," growled Kakuzu.

"He's happy, let him be," shrugged Konan.

"At least Senpai is throwing them in the air, and not in Tobi's face!" Tobi chirped.

As Kakuzu seethed again, he realised. _Blondie_ was the thing that Hidan would miss the most. And Blondie would be how he got his revenge.

* * *

 _Several days later…_

"Well, I'm off to sacrifice some heathens to Jashin-sama!" Hidan gleefully announced, holding his pike and his scythe.

"Whatever!" scowled Kakuzu, "And for god's sake, take some gauze and bandages with you to clean yourself up after you've finished, I'm sick of scrubbing the place after you've dripped blood everywhere."

"I don't have anymore, will you buy me some?" Hidan asked.

 _'_ _He could buy them himself perfectly well…he's just trying to piss me off…and he knows it's working…'_ Kakuzu thought to himself.

"Get it yourself," Kakuzu retorted.

"I don't have any money."

"Then earn some!" yelled Kakuzu. He bit his lip from shouting anymore abuse at his partner. For the plan to work, he needed Hidan out the house, and quickly.

"No time, Jashin-sama needs daily sacrifices," shrugged Hidan, "So I hope you've got your scrubbing gloves and bleach at the ready!"

Kakuzu let him leave without any further shouting, as it was now time to get to work.

* * *

 _Five minutes later…_

Tobi ran down the stairs, "Senpai!" he cried excitedly.

"Go away, Tobi!" shouted Deidara, as he lounged on the sofa.

"Senpai, Tobi is hungry!"

"Then eat something!"

"Tobi wants McDonald's, senpai!"

"Go get McDonald's then!"

"But Konan said someone needs to go with Tobi," Tobi hung his head sadly.

"So get Konan to take you!" snapped Deidara.

"Konan is very moody, Senpai, and Tobi doesn't know why."

 _'_ _I bet it's that time of the month again, but it seems Tobi is either too stupid or too innocent to even realise,'_ Deidara thought to himself.

"Then ask Pain, or Kisame, or Itachi, or Zetsu, or Kakuzu, or Sasori, to take you!" barked Deidara.

"Tobi wants Senpai…" Tobi hung his head again.

"Ugh! Fine!" Deidara grabbed his shoes, and pulled them on.

"Yay! Senpai is taking Tobi to McDonald's! Tobi is happy!"

"Idiot, hmm," grunted Deidara, as they stormed out the door.

* * *

 _'_ _Perfect,'_ Kakuzu thought to himself, watching them leave.

In the now empty living room, Kakuzu flicked a vial of blood around the room, and kicked over several chairs. Earlier on, he'd snuck in Deidara and Sasori's room, and stole Deidara's hair brush. Now, he pulled the blond hairs off the brush, and strewed them around the room strategically. He ripped the back door leading to the garden off one of its hinges, and left it hanging.

Once the room was ready, he rubbed another vial of blood across his arms, and tangled some more of Deidara's hair around his hands.

Outside, with a shovel, he dug a shallow hole, and then filled it in again. By now, he could hear Hidan making his way back to the Akatsuki base.

 _'_ _Payback,'_ Kakuzu grinned under his mask.

* * *

Hidan strolled up the Akatsuki base.

"Hey Dei! I'm back!" he shouted, "Come and help me clean up this blood before Kakuzu throws one of his little bitch fits!"

There was no answer from Deidara.

"Dei?" called Hidan again. He wandered into the living room. When he left, Deidara had been lounging on the sofa, painting his nails and looking beautiful, like he always did. Now…it looked like there looked like there had been some sort of a fight.

 _'_ _Did someone break in?'_ Hidan wondered.

He looked around, and suddenly noticed the flicks of blood around the room. Blond hair glinted from the corner of the table, and on the floor. There was also a blood trail leading out to the back door, that was currently swinging from one hinge…

Oh no…

What if…

Deidara…

He couldn't be…

At this point, Kakuzu strolled in through the back door, clutching a muddy shovel.

"Kakuzu, where's Deidara?" demanded Hidan.

"Oh, that brat," shrugged Kakuzu, "He won't be annoying me anywhere now."

"Kakuzu," hissed Hidan, "Where is Deidara?"

Hidan knew very well that Kakuzu had killed his previous five partners before him. He liked to remind Hidan of the fact whenever Hidan got on his nerves. Hidan always either ignored or mocked such reminders, but now...

"I've taken care of him," Kakuzu rolled his eyes, and threw the muddy shovel on the ground.

 _'_ _Oh Jashin, no…'_ Hidan realised, noticing the blood on Kakuzu's hands and the blond hair glinting between his fingers. A sinking pit gnawed in his stomach, _'_ _He must have snuck up upon him…it's the only way…Dei's smart and tough but close range isn't his strong point. Against Kakuzu, in a sneak attack, he wouldn't have stood a chance…'_

"YOU CUNT!" screamed Hidan. He flew across the room, and wrapped his hands around Kakuzu's neck, "YOU KILLED DEIDARA! HOW COULD YOU!?"

Kakuzu struggled, and rolled Hidan over, wrenching his neck free, "Very easily!"

"I HATE YOU!" roared Hidan, "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!"

Hidan swung a punch at Kakuzu's head, which Kakuzu ducked. Hidan jerked himself upright and threw Kakuzu back onto his back. The table fell over as they tussled.

"Oh, he tried throwing one of his spiders at me, but he couldn't chew the clay in time!" Kakuzu chortled, "Still, at least that's one less of us to provide for on the Akatsuki budget."

"I WILL KILL YOU!"

"I want to see you try," scoffed Kakuzu.

"I'LL CRUSH EVERY LAST ONE OF YOUR HEARTS!"

"Consider yourself lucky, I've done you a favour. Now you don't have to listen to his 'hmm' and 'un' and 'yeah' all day," Kakuzu taunted.

"JASHIN CURSE YOU!" howled Hidan.

"Hey, what's going on in here?"

Hidan and Kakuzu glanced up. Deidara was watching the scene, his arms folded. Tobi stood next to him clutching a Happy Meal.

"Tobi got a toy!"

"Dei! You're alive!" Hidan dropped Kakuzu, and ran to embrace Deidara.

"Of course!" Deidara looked perplexed, as Hidan laid one of his palms on his cheek, and ran a hand through his hair, "What's going on in here?"

Kakuzu burst out laughing.

"You," growled Hidan, turning back to face Kakuzu, "You tricked me!"

"It was so easy!" howled Kakuzu.

"You fucking old fucker!" Hidan roared, charging back across the room to punch Kakuzu again.

"That'll teach you not to break into MY safe and steal MY money!" snarled Kakuzu. Hidan didn't reply, but simply concentrated all of his energy into raining punches and kicks on Kakuzu.

There was the sound of sandals clacking on the stairs.

"What's going on down here?" Konan demanded, staring down at them all.

"He raided my money safe!"

"He pretended he'd killed Deidara!"

"That's _enough_ ," Konan snapped sternly. Kakuzu and Hidan stopped attacking one another. Konan glared at them both with her hands on her hips. She did not look impressed, "Kakuzu, clean this mess up. At once. Hidan, pay back Kakuzu the money you stole."

"I can't! I spent it!" protested Hidan.

"Then next time you have the money, give it back to him," Konan turned, and made her way back up the stairs. Kakuzu sniggered as Hidan roiled with rage.

"Come on, un," urged Deidara. He tugged Hidan's arm, "Let's get you cleaned up, yeah."

Wrapping an arm around Hidan's waist, he guided him up the stairs to the bathroom. Kakuzu turned to Tobi.

"Tobi, be a good boy and clean this up," he commanded.

"Yes, Kakuzu! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi beamed.

* * *

"I can't believe you believed he'd killed me," scoffed Deidara.

"What the fuck was I supposed to think?" Hidan punched the water of the bath they shared. His cheeks were red with embarrassment.

"He'd _never_ kill me. I'd blow him up," Deidara ran the comb through Hidan's silver hair.

"He claimed you hadn't had time to chew your clay."

"Well, even if he tried, the others wouldn't have let him," Deidara replied, "Danna would have come down and poisoned him."

"Sasori's poisons take days to work," Hidan replied.

"Well, Konan would have given him a thousand paper cuts," Deidara shrugged, "And anyway, I'd have heard his crusty old body creaking around long before he could sneak anywhere near me. _Then_ I'd blow him up."

Hidan sniggered at the thought. He sat silently for a while, letting Deidara comb his hair through.

"I guess I just fucking freaked out," he sighed, "I couldn't bear to lose you."

Deidara stopped combing, and wrapped his arms around Hidan's shoulders, "You won't, yeah?"

He kissed Hidan on the cheek, and then leant his head on Hidan's shoulder, inhaling his familiar jasmine scent. He looked over his lover's body as he nestled against him. The bruises from the fight with Kakuzu had bloomed over his pale skin and were already fading, an advantage of Hidan's immortality.

"It's a possibility. You're not a follower of Jashin like me. You could be taken from this life so easily, crushed like the wings of a butterfly," Hidan laid his hand over Deidara's.

"But I won't let myself be, I'm tough. I'm like an annoying bug you just can't seem to get rid of, un," Deidara grinned.

"No, you won't," Hidan agreed, "Here, turn around and let me do your hair. Yours takes longer than mine."

Deidara complied, and Hidan began to rub in one of the fancy conditioners he'd bought with Kakuzu's money.

"So, are we going to pay Kakuzu back, hmm?" asked Deidara, tilting his head with pleasure as Hidan massaged his scalp.

"No fucking way!" Hidan emptied the contents of the bottle on top of Deidara's head, and opened another, working it through Dei's blond tresses.

When they ran out, he could rob Kakuzu again. And again. And again. He and Deidara were the perfect couple with perfect hair to match. Fuck Kakuzu if he thought he could interfere with that.


End file.
